Hey, remember Nearly Headless Nick’s Deathday Party, with the ghost orchestra, all of whom played the musical saw? ME EITHER, but it is such a hilarious detail, which is why I’m glad JK brought it up again in this book. If I’d made a joke that great, I’d be repeating it all the time.
Ok so a lot of you have been like, This is the first HP book that I had to WAIT for, so do you think that by this point in J-Ro’s FAME her editor was scared to say stuff to her, and that’s why this book is kind of draggy in sections and then also Harry will think things like, ‘Really [some stage direction here] they were all right, really, dragons.’? REALLY WERE THEY REALLY ALRIGHT, HARRY?
Also, can we all agree that ‘Bang-Ended Scoots’ is WAAAAAY funnier than ‘Blast-Ended Skrewts’?
Ok so where are we, plot-wise. AH YES, the Yule Ball. Why are there not more balls jokes in this section? Oh well, at least we have Dame Maggie Smith disapproving of everyone letting their hair down.
So Harry and Ron are trying to find theyselves some bitches. And bitches be everywhere! All ‘giggling and whispering in the corridors,…shrieking with laughter as boys passed them,…excitedly comparing notes on what they were going to wear on Christmas night.’ Bitches, amirite? All gossip and boys and clothes. COME ON, JK.
Ok but can we agree that the descriptive holiday bits are often WAY better than the plotty bits? Like the suits of armor that sing Christmas carols, but only know, like, half the words, and then Peeves hides in them and ‘fill[s] in the gaps in the songs with lyrics of his own invention, all of which were very rude’? I mean, that’s amazing.
Back to Harry and Ron. Ron finally ballses up enough to ask Hermione, but she’s going with someone else and is all, ‘Just because it’s taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn’t mean no one else has spotted I’m a girl!’ And I’m all like,
And then Malfoy is all mock-shocked that someone asked her, and then she’s like, Oh hey, Professor Moody! And then M-foy freaks out and she’s like, ‘Twitchy little ferret, aren’t you Malfoy?’ and I am like, HERMIONE YOU ARE SO FEISTY LATELY. The club cannot even handle this girl right now.
And then they get to the ball and Ron’s all, Where’s Hermione? Where’s Hermione? Was this whole section just all about R&H or is that the only thing I made notes on?
Oh and hey, if JK had had Hermione teach some hapless Bulgarian to pronounce her name properly in the FIRST book, there wouldn’t be an entire generation of people who ALSO call her ‘Hermy-own’ whenever they aren’t thinking straight.
Remember last week when Alice was like, The boys from Beauxbatons don’t get much airtime, and I was like, IT IS AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL (that part may have been in my mind) but Parvati is all dancing with them and rendez-vousing in Hogsmeade so they do exist.
Let’s talk about Rita Skeeter for a second. A lot of you hate her. I like her in THEORY, I think she could be a better character in FACT. Because she’ll say things like, ‘Disgraced Ex-Head of Magical Sports, Ludo Bagman…snappy start to a sentence’ and I am like, NOPE. That is an adjective and then a noun. You need to work harder at your snappy starts. But REMEMBER WHEN HARRY CALLS HER A COW and then is like, Yikes, I am talking to the Headmaster, and Dumbles is like, ‘I have gone temporarily deaf and haven’t any idea what you just said, Harry.’
Oh, and D-dore’s brother Aberforth ‘was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat.’ Wait, what? Is this what lonely wizards do in the country when there aren’t any girls around?
Hey, there’s still a Tournament going on! Hagrid: ‘Yeh know what I’d love, Harry? I’d love yeh ter win, I really would.’ First of all, no pressure. And secondly, THIS IS NOT NEWS.
Ok so Harry has this egg and he goes to the bath where, previously, Cedric had gone and mused on the question for ‘[a]ges and ages…nearly all the bubbles had gone.’ DRRRRTY MYRRRRTLE.
Merpeople, bffs trapped underwater, Dobby and Gillyweed and Harry wades in to the lake and his ‘sodden robes weighed him down’ and seriously? Take them shit off, that is like trying to swim wrapped in a bed sheet. Harry gets there first (of course) but he’s afraid to leave in case Krum etc don’t make it so he hangs around HEROICALLY (of course) and then saves Ron AND the Little Le Fleur and as he approaches the surface, his Gillyweed gives out and ‘water was flooding through his mouth into his lungs’ and that is TECHNICALLY drowning but this was actually a really exciting challenge, so I’ll let it slide.
On to the last section, which is where (if I remember) I start having some Serious Feels.