Happy Friday, Dumblers.
So, book three. We are CRUISING. Harry is back at the Dursleys, like he is at the start of every book, and it’s his birthday (ibid), and he’s been hiding his homework and other magical hoohaws under a loose floorboard in his room, which is apparently the Hermione’s Purse From That Later Book of floorboards, because a bunch of presents show up for him and he stuffs them under there, too. And Hagrid, I wouldn’t be surprised.
The Dursleys continue to be The Worst, with Horrid Aunt Marge coming for a
good old-fashioned brow-beat visit and Dudley ‘eating his fourth slice of pie’ (like that’s a crime) and Harry doing some Accidental Magic and ending up on that wacky bus. Par for the course so far.
Also par for the course is Harry taking things the Wrong Level of Seriousness, too much in this case, when he’s all like, I inflated
Violet Beauregarde my Aunt Marge and broke a wizard law just like Sirius Black when he killed all those people and maybe I will be put into Azkaban, which blogger apparently recognizes as a word. The hell, blogger? You make weird life choices. Anyway, get over yourself, Harry.
Stan continues to refer to Harry as ‘Neville’ even after he finds out that he’s actually HP, which I find adorable.
Harry goes to Diagonasfhflajsdhflalley to pick up his books, giving JK an opportunity for those peripheral throw-away jokes she does so well. Oh yes, and over here is a stack of books such as Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul. Oh JK, I can never resist a balls joke. Also, am I the only one who sniggers a bit when they talk about how long their wands are? I am? How embarrassing.
Ok so Sirius Black is on the prowl and Harry’s life is in danger, etc etc, and Mr Weasley is all, ‘You know what Harry and Ron are like, wandering off by themselves – they’ve even ended up in the Forbidden Forest!’ And I am like, That was by Dumbledorian decree, alright? Or whoever assigned the detention, was it Filch? It was school-sanctioned, anyway. What I mean is, stop putting these kids in harm’s way and then being like, You guys are such hellions.
Wait, hold up. Crabbe and Goyle have first names?
Enter the Dementors, who are actually Scary As Ess. I mean, that hand creeping out of the cloak looking ‘like something dead that had decayed in water’? Well and terrifyingly done, JK.
Yadda yadda, Professor Trelawney who isn’t my favorite except that Emma Thompson is so my feelings are conflicted, blah blah the Grim, Professor McGonnagall lecturing on Animagi (THE FORE IS SHADOWED) and then explaining that Trelawney is a nutter and that Harry will not be let off of his homework, though ‘I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.’ CLASSIC
DOWAGER COUNTESS MCGONAGALL.
Oh yeah and hey, remember Lupin? Who I had neutralish feelings about bordering on liking because sad things happen to him later? And who stuck up for Neville to Snape, thereby WINNING ALL OUR HEARTS FOREVER? (But then losing them a little bit when he was like, I assumed that if the Boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort, which is really JK’s copyeditor’s fault and by this book she is no upstart or sophomoric writer and should have the FINEST of copyeditors but all that to say, I forgive you, Lupin. Also, sorry about what happens to you later.)
Oh hey look, it’s Quidditch again, and Cedric Diggory is captain of Hufflepuff and all the girls giggle and I am sort of annoyed. I mean, girls, amirite?
Snape calls Hermione an insufferable know-it-all and Ron stands up to him and I am like, r + h 4evah! Also, Snape is really getting stood-up-to in this book.
Back to the Quidditch. It is raining. Now it is THUNDEROUS and raining. Now it is THUNDEROUS AND FORKING WITH LIGHTNING and getting ‘more and more dangerous’ and Harry is like, Better get that Snitch, because Hogwarts cares not for danger. But then shaggy dog, Dementors, dead Lily screaming (that’s one of those things that you read and you’re like, Oh yes, dead Lily, but then you stop and think about having your dead mum screaming for mercy in your head and you are like, Holy shit), Harry falls like fifty feet and dies, series ends. HA, NO. Harry is made of magical titanium and phoenix tears.
Christmas time! Which means feasts! And presents! And Harry, Ron, and Hermione left at Hogwarts with a handful of teachers and ‘a sullen-faced Slytherin’ (of course). Trelawney and McGonagall are hilarious together, Harry gets a new broomstick, McGonagall confiscates it because it was probably sent by Sirius Black. DUN DUN DUN THE HALFWAY CUT-OFF POINT IS ALSO MAGICALLY A CLIFFHANGER.
See you guys next week.