This is what I meant to be reading when I accidentally read Vampire Diaries. Remember THAT? That was awful.
Let’s just get this out of the way: words like ‘dhampir’ and names like ‘Vasalisa Dragomir’ cannot possibly be used in sincerity, because they are so, so dumb. Let us therefore assume that they are used SATIRICALLY and think no more of it. Also, my copy used the word ‘describrd’ which I GET is a typo but which I laughed at for WAY TOO LONG. And it wasn’t even an ebook.
Ok. So, Rose and Lissa have escaped from Vampire Academy for reasons and then they are caught and brought back, but Something Is Not Right about Lissa and there are shady mentions of, like, a giant crow and a horrific accident and other general Spooky Things™. And Lissa is (oh god, I’m going to get this wrong because I wasn’t really paying attention to this part) a Moroi? Which is a vampire? Or maybe the Moroi are the royal vampires. ANYway, if a vampire deliberately drinks enough blood to kill a person, or various other Bad Deeds that I forget now, then they become a Strigoi, which is like a regular vampire only paler and immortal and evil. Because this is one of those books where vampires are not those things.
And because Strigoi are all like, KILL ALL THE MOROI (the more I type those words…), vampires need guardians (so, dhampirs [right? Shoot, I am awful at this]) and Rose plans on being Lissa’s guardian one day and is practicing now by keeping WHATEVER IS TRYING TO GET HER from getting her. Because someone is putting, like, foxes with they throats slit into Lissa’s room, and that is some threatening shit.
And vampires are all svelte young things, but because Rose is a dhampir, she has BOOBS and HIPS and boys are INTO IT. And I loved how she openly admits that her milkshake brings all the boys to her section of the quad, as opposed to all those heroines (SO MANY OF THEM) who are like, I am the ugliest. How I’ll ever catch a man with these unruly breasts, I’LL never know. And Rose is so about the boys that she comes right back around to not being about the boys at all. I mean, she kisses all of them and likes it and then is like
because she’s got a best friend whose back needs watching. And at one point a cute boy comes to her defense and she is like, Ha ha, fuck that noise. I can kick all the asses. And then she does.
Except there is ONE dude and UGGGGGH I guess this is sort of a spoiler but ultimately he’s like, We cannot be together, and the reason is not that I am some sort of mysterious Bad For You that I will be super-vague about which will ultimately encourage you to keep chasing me, but is predicated on your affection for and responsibilities to your friend. So, like, ACTUALLY we cannot be together. I mean, I assume that they hook up in later books, but I plan on being grossly disappointed when that happens. For now?
And, as Alice and I have discussed at not nearly enough length on Twitter, it is dramatically compelling and quite a good read, despite what my inability to summarize the plot suggests. I just, I suck at things right now, you guys.
Seven caterpillars, alright?