CH: I’m Charlaine, child. Sookie is not real.
Sookie Charlaine. *patronizes* Hey, so I read Dead Until Dark. Is there a reason you spend a ton of time telling us about really mundane details like how you were too tired to shower before bed, but you did have time to brush your teeth and moisturize and pull out your hairband?
CH: It’s…character exposition. I want you to understand what kind of person I…Sookie is.
Me: Ok but Sookie, your hair band? I’d totally forgotten you were wearing a ponytail (since it’s not important), so if you’d just gone straight to sleep there’s no way I’d’ve been all, SHE’S GOING TO WAKE UP WITH A WICKED PONYTAIL BUMP! I’m guessing I’m not alone in this.
CH: Did that stop you from reading?
Me: Hells no. I wanted to see someone get eaten, still. But, ok hey Sookie, you know ‘unwisdom’ isn’t a word, right? And that you refer to Arlene’s hair as ‘flaming’ like four times on one page, and that for the first third of the novel you’re ridiculously inconsistant about your ability to read minds?
CH: I know, right? And I don’t even seem to care. Is a blond, blue-eyed beauty the laziest heroine I could come up with? Yes. Are feisty grannies who call soap-operas their ‘stories’ the most cliched thing this side of gold-hearted hookers? You betcha! Do I seem to mind AT ALL? Naw, shucks. My goal is to bring you hot vampires that are actually sort of scary.
Me: Ok, but your vampire sparkles, just like some other vampires I could mention (who I’m sure we all agree are kind of lame, scariness-wise). Also, his name is Bill.
CH: You have to admit the ‘Bill’ bit is kind of funny. And besides, he glows, he does not sparkle.
Me: Same diff?
CH: Sparkling is for Barbies and ponies. Supernatural things glow. Also, deep sea fish.
Me: Ok but in a complete non sequitur that is almost worthy of you, how come you started talking about vampire boners right after you’d almost been eaten? I feel like that would be the last thing on my mind.
CH: I’m Sookie Sta…I’m Charlaine Harris, bitch. I don’t have to explain my actions to do you. My goal is to bring you hot vampire sexy times.
Me: It is kind of hot.
CH: Right? Also, how much did it mess with you when I started thinking about all the ways that dating a vampire is super-impractical? Like, he can never stop by the store and pick up milk which means that I WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE PICKING UP THE MILK!!
Me: Dude, lots! I’d gotten so used to a certain other snivelly vampstress who is too blinded by sculpted marble abs to think about that sort of thing. So you trying to decide if ‘the love is worth the misery’ blew my whole vampire-lover-paradigm (which, admittedly, consists entirely of ‘Bite meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Come on, come ON!’ *sulks, bites lip*) apart. So…kudos.
CH: I will take those kudos. Are you going to read the rest of the series?
Me: Probs. I have this hilarious and witty friend who is all Don’t buy them, because they’re terrible, but definitely let me lend them to you, because they’re great. She is my pusher.