IT’S OVER!!! I can’t believe I read the whole thing! *groans from the peanut gallery*
*sighs* I’m kind of exhausted at the idea of getting into this. Can we do plot summary first, to sort of ease me into griping? If you want to go into this book totally blind, stop here.
Ok, in case you’ve forgotten, Bella wants to be a vampire so that she won’t have to play Demi to Edward’s Ashton, but Edward will only rob her of her THROBBING HUMAN HEART if she will consent to go to college and *choke* marry him. Like, now.
Over-reactions by everyone! And a be-frilled wedding! And misunderstandings! And then zzzzzzzzzex! That’s right, after Bella finally puts a ring on it, Edward agrees to doink her. Except this is YA (secretly Mormon) lit, so on their wedding night we’ll just fade to a shot of the ocean lapping gently at the shores, and then for the rest of the book we’ll use tired euphemisms.
But back to the wedding night! Or rather, the morning after. Bella is covered in bruises from Edward’s vigorous love-making (his body is made of marble, you may recall. Luminous, sculpted marble) and he had to nom a few pillows to keep from latching onto her warm, tender, human neck, and even though it’s the morning after their wedding and she’s happy as a clam, he’s in a fit of sulks. NOW WITH EXTRA EMO!!!
They resolve their differences and there are some more oblique references to them maybe having some sort of marital relations and why is Bella eating so many eggs? And why is she so nauseous and tired all the time, and having these crazy dreams? *MASSIVE-ISH SPOILERS BELOW THAT YOU PROBABLY SAW COMING ANYWAYS*
Bella’s Eggo is preggo. And it’s showing! And poking at her from the inside!
SUDDEN UNEXPLAINED SHIFT TO JACOB’S POINT OF VIEW!
Ok, for the middle third of the book, we hear about Jacob and how he loooooooooooooves Bella and is so torn up about her joining the ranks of the living undead, but then she doesn’t, but she does have some sort of spawn growing at an unnatural rate inside her (srsly, I think she’s pregnanty for about twelve minutes before she reaches term) and Jacob can’t stand to stay away even though the vampires are his SWORN ENEMIES. There’s a lot of drama with Jacob separating from his wolfpack and branching out on his own that I don’t really feel like going into. Suffice it to say that Bella is as man-eatery as always, and Jacob walks himself right into it, and even though this section paints her as a total saint-martyr, I still want to punch her in the teeth. Bella Swan, if I met you and Katy Perry in a dark alley and had to choose which one of you I could smack, my head would explode and I would die from the strain.
RETURN TO BELLA’S POV!!!
Ok, so Bella goes into labor, and the baby is SO STRONG that it breaks her spine from the inside, and they can’t get it out because the amniotic sac is made of vampire-skin (strong like Gortex, remember?) and the only thing that can break through it is vampire-teeth – either the baby’s as it chews its way out, or…Edwards.
Bella almost dies, E makes her a vampire, Jacob falls in love with the loin-fruit (thereby explaining his previously unexplainable Bella-luve. He loved the contents of her uterus. Men are all the same), and Bella the perfect-flawless-gorgeous vampire is equally as irritating as Bella the human, except now she could probably take me in a fight.
And then a bunch of other stuff happens and I WILL NOT GIVE THE ENDING AWAY (except to warn you that the
Catholics Volturi are coming)! That’s not how I roll. But I will give the sense of the ending away, and that might be as bad. Remember how, in War of the Worlds (the recentest movie, not so much the book), the aliens are all over the place and it looks like everyone is doomed and Robbie gets firebombed and there doesn’t seem to be a solution in sight and then *tachthew!* the aliens get the flu and die all by themselves, without any help from anyone at all?
That is how Breaking Dawn ends (but with fewer aliens, and more vampires, and there’s no flu involved).
It’s like every time I finish one of these and put my name on the library list for the next one, I forget what they’re like. But those first few pages always bring me back with a whallop. To wit:
Alice makes a big fuss about something frilly; Bella grumps.
Jacob does something ostensibly selfless but really kind of manipulative; Bella hurts his feelings and then goes on about what a shit she is.
Edward shows heretofore unseen manly skillz with boats; Bella swoons.
And so much has been said about Meyer’s writing, and the repetitiveness of it, and honestly for me it isn’t even that she only has eighteen adjectives in her kit so much as that she uses words that have LOST ALL MEANING! If everything is perfect, then ‘perfect’ stops meaning ‘perfect’ and starts meaning ‘the good side of average.’ Honestly, she could just start replacing words with (+) and (-) signs, and that would totally get the point across. When I looked into Edward’s (+) face and pressed against his (+) body, I felt (+), but then when he said (-) things to me in his (=) voice, I was (-). See?
And my biggest beef, in my whole juicy stack of beefs, is that Bella doesn’t change a whit from A to V. She is whiny and insecure and clingy and obsessive, and then 2000-odd pages later she is whiny and insecure and clingy and obsessive and eternally undead. I never cheered for her, I was never proud of her, and every time she was in MORTAL PERIL I was all, Finally! Now we can talk about something besides Edward’s agony, or her clumisness, or his velvet voice or whatever.
Play a game with me! I’ll start.
Reading the Twilight series is like…being told the same joke over and over, and the fact that it was even kind of funny in the beginning makes it more tragic that now you want to spit peas at it.
Reading the Twilight series is like…running into that girl you knew from high school who dated alllllllllllllll the boys, and having her take you out for coffee so she can tell you how her life is SO MUCH DRAMA, Y’ALL and giggle and tug on her braid.
Reading the Twilight series is like being stuck in accident-traffic for so long that you stop worrying about the people who MAY BE DEAD and are almost exclusively pissed that you’ve spent so much time waiting to drive by them, and then when it’s your turn to rubberneck, IT’S JUST A FENDER-BENDER!
Also, four caterpillars, because so help me I read it!
I feel like I’ve purged something from my soul.