Ok, firstly, could this cover look any more like a blood-soaked tampon? I mean, for real. Only if it actually was a blood-soaked tampon could it look more like one, and the first thing I thought when I picked it up was, I am not reading this shit on the bus.
I read this shit on the bus, but mostly because I had to bus an hour across town to pick up my DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION (holla) and I needed something that was going to keep me busy. Honest, I probably wouldn’t finish the series after reading New Moon except for all the controversy surrounding the ending of Breaking Dawn, and we know how I love a controversy.
Ok, to pick up where we left off, Bella wants Edward to make her into a vampire because she has turned 18 and E will forever be 17, and Bella, hon, I feel you. Every time I’ve dated guys younger than me, it has ended badly. But see, kiddo, Eddie is actually 110 (even though I seem to remember him in the last book SET A YEAR AGO being closer to 90, but continuity is for the boids), and time being linear like it is, he will always be older than you. It’s just, you will wrinkle.
So Bella and Edward have this same fight all the time, and also they have the fight where he thinks he’s dangerous for her and she thinks she’s not good enough for him, and they have this fight, like, sixty times (and even though this is EXACTLY what happens in real life, where you and your other constantly argue about the same thing, even then you know you’re thinking, For reals? We’re having this fight again? Magnify that thought, and then put it into best-selling print, and then give it to yourself) before page 72, whereupon Edward decides to take his being-unsafeness into his own hands and vanishes with his family. Exeunt the vampires.
Enter the werewolves, and don’t act shocked. You knew this was coming. So, Bella’s friend Jacob from Twilight returns, and for a while he’s a pleasant stop-gap for the GAPING WOUND RENDING BELLA’S SOUL! I swear, if she clutches at her torso one more time to try and hold her broken heart together…
Suddenly Edward’s life is in danger! Which really means that Bella will put herself at risk to save him, so that he can save her again, and then there’s this whole barfy couple of chapters where Bella is thick and doesn’t get stuff, and then it ends. And while Twilight was a self-contained novel, New Moon screams I HAVE A FRANCHISE HERE! and feels, not only open for a sequel, but dependent on one.
Twilight was sort of interesting and embarrassingly engaging, but New Moon was no better than I expected it to be.